A sardonic partial lexicon of the English language, The Devil’s Dictionary remains arguably the most enduring of Ambrose Bierce’s writings. One of the most influential journalists of the late nineteenth century, Bierce established himself as one of the Realist Movement’s most capable short story and comic verse writers.

In short, Bierce was highly inclined to the humorous, his writing perpetually ripe with irony, sarcasm, and wit, and The Devil’s Dictionary remains a seemingly adequate reflection of this his great proclivity for trenchant raillery. If nothing else, the make-shift dictionary would make a great addition to even the best collection of Random Coffee-table Literature, the contents seemingly perfectly tailored to fill the awkward silences occasionally plaguing the myriad occupants of one’s living room. As a preview to the 139 pages of definitions that comprise the dictionary’s full form, (and because I was bored at work earlier today, and because I never tire of procrastinating on papers), following the author’s preface I have added some of my favorite excerpts.

Author’s Preface: The Devil’s Dictionary was begun in a weekly paper in 1881 and was continued in a desultory way and at long intervals until 1906. In that year a large part of it was published in covers with the title The Cynic’s Word Book, a name which the author had not the power to reject nor the happiness to approve. Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country had helped themselves to such part of the work as served their needs, and any of its definition, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had become more or less current in popuplar speech. This explanation is made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to whom the work is addressed — enlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang. –A.B.

Abatis, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.
Aborigines, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
Australia, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.
Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
Battle, n. A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.
Consult, v.t. To seek another’s approval of a course already decided upon.
Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.
Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one’s country.
Dramatist, n. One who adapts plays from the French.
Education, n. That which discloses to the wise, and disguises from the foolish, their lack of understanding.
Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
Exile, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.
Expostulation, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to lose their friends.
Fidelity, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Future, n. The period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness assured.
Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.
Historian, n. A broad-gauge gossip.
Hydra, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads.
Impiety, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.
Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, “Heaven lies about us.” The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
Kill, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
Loquacity, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.
Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
Mythology, n. The body of primitive people’s beliefs concering its origin, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.
Nihilist, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi.
Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man–who has no gills.
Peace, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
Phrenology, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists of locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with.
Publish, n. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in a cone of critics.
Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
Realism, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seen by toads.
Reform, n. A thing which mostly satisfies reformers opposed to reformation.
Riot, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.
Sycophant, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor.
Type, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this incomparable dictionary.
Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
Vote, n. The instrument and symbol of a freemans’ power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
Wit, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will doubtless last as long as the language.
Yankee, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of the Union, a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown. (See Damyank.)
Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.