Someone extremely important to me is soon to become engaged. Yesterday, I braved The Great Big World Of The Sparkly with her to become educated on important issues like diamond shapes and carat sizes, but mostly to discover exactly what she would prefer in an engagement ring and a wedding band, she herself having until yesterday never even considered the shape and size and cost of the sparkly which shall adorn her left hand for the remainder of her life. She doesn’t want to shop with her soon to be fiance for cute, old-fashioned, mostly romantic reasons, and so I was selected to assist with the perusal of the potential precious.

The Soon To Be Engaged pooped herself out by the end of hour two at the first jewelry store we traversed. But determined not to be intimidated so easily, and vastly curious (and probably a little bored), I decided to continue the ring perusal via online sources.

Me? Entertained easily? Sure am.

Thankfully I was not alone in thinking online ring viewing potentially entertaining, and was joined by a witty, charming, handsome soul, who not only makes me laugh on a regular basis, but also apparently possesses a hidden talent to send emails (Which I have so thoughtfully excerpted below. You are welcome. ) with lines and links to entertain even the most stoic of ring shoppers. He also dunks a mean Oreo.

Nothing says my fiance is blind quite like this.

For the Rough and Tough Bride. She loves you. But she has no qualms about kicking your ass.

Britney Spears called. She wants her mood ring back.

No chess set would be complete.

George Strait has a belt-buckle just like this.

It’s a ring. It’s a broach. It’s. Fugly.

Looking for impractical and odd? Look no further.

The Claw. Don’t make the claw angry. It will EAT you.

Don Corleone called. He said he’d whack you if you didn’t give his ring back. Something about a guy named Vinny and a baseball bat.

If I was a woman, and my man gave me this ring, I would be forced to kick him in the face. Or somewhere.

At some point in the evening we both decided to abandon the engagement ring perusal altogether and instead opt for one of these classy cluster of sperm bracelets.