Counting By Twos or The Mush, It Is Deep. And Mushy.
We need people to get us. To see us. To know what we mean when we say we feel helpless. When we say we feel empty, or isolated, quiet, or stir-crazy. When we say we feel unkind, horrible, unlovable, and we mean it. When we say we feel to the moon! sort of excited, thankful, bursting at the seams with brother, the blessings!
People were made for people. And as juvenile and um, duh! as that probably sounds, sometimes I find myself forgetting. Find myself forgetting that I have people. People who see me. People who get me.
I’m still mostly amazed when said sight and comprehension doesn’t send those people running the opposite direction. Even more amazed when it seems, sometimes, it even compels them to stay. To stay a little longer and to let me see them, and get them, and shower them with late-night emails and Fresh Ink Hallmark cards, horribly lame jokes and even more horribly lame cooking skills.
Babycarrot sister and I had a conversation the other week about her and her fiancé, and how they so greatly and so easily affect one another. She maintained that it’s hard to know that when she hurts, he hurts. That it’s hard to hurt so badly when he hurts. I told her I understood. We talked about how it’s always been hard to know that, as sisters, when she hurt, I hurt, and likewise.
The reverse is of course also true: when she’s on the moon! excited, those that love her are standing right there with her. Or, you know, bobbing lazily in the lack of gravity, as it were.
Mostly we talked about how beautiful said affecting is, even when it’s hard and irritating and time-consuming. Even when it makes us cry like the babies we have supposedly outgrown.
Mostly we talked about how the affecting is the precise point of being in a relationship. Because if you aren’t affected by the other person, then what are you? Why are you standing in front of them, beside them, behind them? If not to be affected, and to affect, then why bother to be connected at all? Affection is what makes this world bearable, we mused. And what keeps flower companies in business.
I know that even before I met any boy I was counting by twos. My sister and I were two, the original two.
Then there was Mena, a spunky, confrontational dark-haired girl with whom I was inseparable all throughout elementary school. In seventh grade I met Lisa. That year we had every class together but one. Hans and I have been a two since the day we met in college. If someone asked me today how long the two of us have been friends I would tell them I think the duration is somewhere around four lifetimes.
Hans and I have spent many an hour discussing how we both became accustomed to spending a great deal of time priding ourselves on our respective abilities to stand alone. To stand apart from anyone, stubbornly heralding ourselves as completely “self-sufficient.”
When I think back on how much effort I exhausted (in a feeble attempt) to prove myself outside of the realm of Needing Anyone Consistently, when I think back to how long I ignored reality to force myself to believe that no one was worth trusting in the long-term, I realize what an ass I must have looked like most of the time.
Because I’ve never not needed anyone. I just didn’t always know it was “ok” to admit possessing such a need. Because I didn’t always want to know. The word “need” always sounded wholly negative in connotation to me. It sounded weak. Acknowledging any need beyond the necessities of daily living made me weak. Fragile. And fragile was no good. Fragile could be broken.
And yes, pain does surely come with pairing. At least, it has for me in the past. I’ve acted my best rendition of shattered glass on more than one occasion.
And yet most days I still feel whole. Still feel me. Still feel complete standing on my own.
But I also have come to believe, to know, that the best sort of joy comes in twos. And in threes and fours, and eleventies, and so on. And no, I’m not talking about “Big Love” over here. I’m talking about friends. About family. About friends that act just like a family, complete with adequate dosages of dysfunction and too much consumption of spiked (insert appropriate party juice here).
I’m talking about people that just get us. People that watch us when we aren’t paying attention. People who build us up when we think there isn’t any foundation left on which to stand. People who insist that they think we’re aces even when we think that they must be insane for holding such an opinion.
Today I am so grateful for so many people. For people I have seemingly known all my life (and for multiple lifetimes), and for people with whom I have only recently come into contact, some of whom I’ve met, and some of whom I have yet to meet. I am so grateful for all of you.
But today, more than anything, I just miss the guy that gets me best.
So, please, forgive the mush on which you now tread. But that’s what 2,000+ miles and $400 a plane ticket has reduced me to: a mushy, gushy outline of a wimp where once no less of a wimp stood.
Related entries
- None Found
And the guy that gets you the best, misses you, loves you and adores you, in ways that mere words could never even hope to adequately express.
i heart you, frans. and your post here has inspired one of my more thoughtful, less comical posts to date on my site. kisses. you always amaze me.
i understand you so well, kerri. loving so much you feel physical pain from missing the person is wonderful and scary and overwhelming and so many more things at the same time. missing my chris sometimes [actually a lot of times] almost paralyzes me and makes me feel like i just can’t do it any longer. not one more day. because if i have to, i feel like i’m gonna die. drop dead.
but you know what? i survived almost four years and even though it hurt and still does i wouldn’t wanna miss that love one minute even if it’d spare me from all the pain. in the end it’s worth it! you’ll be okay and i hope you guys will find a way to end the distance very soon! hang in there! and get in touch if you wanna vent to someone who unfortunately knows exactly what you’re going through…
*smooches* to you and chris! :)
Beautiful, poignant, well-written post, my dear. I wanted to come here and thank you for your comments on my blog of late–it has been lovely to have you come and make yourself at home. I’ve perused your archives a bit and will most definitely be hanging out here more often.
You may know if you’ve read up on me that the one who gets me more than anyone else, my husband, was an ocean away for a long time, so I understand that ache; that longing. The love between you that you both have shared out here is inspiring and breathtaking.
Hey, you can be grateful neither of you have to deal with Immigration and Naturalization Services! ;-)
Thank God for technology…I bet you two write the most amazing emails to one another. I saved every single one from Pete–we wrote at least twice a day. LOL.
What a beautiful post. And you are absolutely right. Life is better with people who get you and love you. Thanks for sharing.
Wow Kerri, that was amazing. You are able to say things with such grace and power- I’m in awe.
I needed to hear this today. Thankyou.
Kerri,
What a wonderful post. Have a great time on your trip! I got to see my boyfriend this weekend so I’ve had a “fix” that will have to last for awhile.
Kerri
“Because if you aren’t affected by the other person, then what are you? Why are you standing in front of them, beside them, behind them? If not to be affected, and to affect, then why bother to be connected at all?”
So obvious, but I feel like I’m seeing that for the first time. I’ll keep that in my head for a long time. Great post, Ker.
So true. People need people. That is why loneliness is always a much harsher punishment than poverty or anything else.
You are so lucky to have people that matter in your life. And that you can open your heart to feel other’s feelings (trust me, it’s not a quality everyone possesses - there are some pretty selfish types out there).
Cheers to a very beautiful post.
Kerri!
First time reader/poster. Found you by way of me.
This… is such a beautiful entry. Painfully famiiar. One of my most overused phrases at times in my life has been, “I don’t need anything.” I’m with you every beat of that.
Thanks for saying hi on my site, so that I, in turn, have been introduced to yours. Yours will be a regular on my list.
I’d never thought about it before, but I’ve always been counting by twos, too. I think in this world we’re so often encouraged to be independent, to not need people, but the truth is we do. And what I’ve found is that I need different things from different folks - each of my friends adds something all their own that makes me who I am, that makes me feel complete. I need them all.
I adore your writing. I’ll be back. :)
Wow, now that I’ve read this, I really can’t wait to meet you at Stanley.
Thanks baby J. It’s funny how some strings of thought can be so berry berry sneaky. :)
And you are right Vasilisa, I am exremely lucky. And blessed! And so happy to have those that make me so.
Thanks Katie. Ditto the regularity. :)
Kalki, thanks! And I yours. And, I am so glad! :) AND, I agree that so often what society tells us vs. what we as individuals find to be true is grossly incongruous.
Ditto that Hänni! Stanley is going to be rad, for sure.
Snoop Dogg pleaded not guilty Wednesday to a charge of possessing a deadly weapon, a collapsible police baton found in his luggage at an airport..
Snoop Dogg pleaded not guilty Wednesday to a charge of possessing a deadly weapon, a collapsible police baton found in his luggage at an airport..
The National Portrait Gallery in London is planning to stage its first exhibition devoted entirely to pop art…
The National Portrait Gallery in London is planning to stage its first exhibition devoted entirely to pop art…