On Coping
I was all set to post this on various days last week. And I stopped. Out of fear and superstition, mostly. And then I realized how silly I was being, withholding an entry I had written passionately, and honestly, and edited and re-edited until I couldn’t look at it anymore, and when we received the call last night with a negative verdict I thought I had beaten myself.
I heard myself sneakily thinking: “Yessss. I never! posted that. See. I knew I should wait. So now, no one will know. Except well, those we told and those we asked to scout apartments for us. But really, not everyone will know. And we won’t have to update, won’t have to worry about people assuming we are seeking sympathy for not living in a rosy version of reality at the moment, because really, life goes on and we aren’t trying to make mountains out of Bob Barker over here. Or something.”
And then, almost immediately after that, thinking: “Nice, kerr. Pretty lame, yet again. And pretty spineless, too. Bonus! points for the spineless.”
And so, I post-dated the original entry, just so I could link to it. Just so I could prove to myself that I don’t fear a re-vamping, if you will, of ultimate plans. Even if my fearless re-vamping is mostly a facade at this point.
I’m in the mood to be honest. I’m in the mood to be bare. To stand here with a bundle of ruddy, foul-smelling disappointment in my hands and say, “Yes. The proverbial ‘it’ stinks, figuratively and metaphorically, and also, sometimes life with an upper case symbolic “L” makes no sense, and you know? I’m mostly OK with that. Or anyway, I’m trying to be, and so what if I cut my hair the moment Chris went to the grocery store, leaving me to my own devices for thirty minutes? I needed a change. And if L.A. is apparently not the change in store for us, then we are ready for whatever is going to be. And if it’s my hair for now, and only my hair, then so be it. And, anyway, I sort of like it.”
TheBefores:
(The hello! hi! how are you? nose ring that will not stay IN my nose for pictures is, apparently, tradition, and just for you San.)
TheAfters:
(As) If anyone was feeling particularly like delving even deeper into the soggy psyche that is my brain this morning (The horror, the horror) I, in my (somewhat refreshing) bought with utter and embarrassing honesty, give you: The entry I wrote prior to this one:
Dear Life,
You really befuddle me sometimes. So often, you make NO sense a’tall. (I turn mock-British sometimes when I’m fuming. At least, in prose.) I mean, I totally get the whole “vacation” aspect of the summer months, but come on, really? Put the crack-pipe down, put it DOWN already.
Oh, and one more thing: You aren’t beating us. So keep trying if you must. But I’m not folding. My hand is better than yours. I can FEEL it.
Love and situational irony,
kerri
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oh hun, i’m so sorry. i swear i was crossing my fingers! especially since that would have meant a very much possible meetup in LA in november. BUT you know there is a reason for everything that happens and i’m sure, something SO MUCH better will come along for you guys very soon. when the time is right. i PROMISE!
also, i do the same thing with the hair. hair-change is (usually and even if it’s not really, still) good! yours i LOVE! but you’d probably look gorgeous with no hair, so.. :) *hugs* and *smooches*
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Thanks babe. I think I was definitely channeling Brit for a second there, but thankfully I did not end up bald. And while you are super sweet, and I’m thankful for it, trust me, I would not look great with no hair. But it’s an interesting thought. Maybe for Halloween I should go as G.I. Jane; Chris would LOVE that. ; )
I’m sorry it didn’t work out. But really, I’m wishing I was in the Pacific NW right about now. It was hot at 8:30 and now it’s hellish at 9:16. :P
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Ug. Early morning heat is the WORST. See? I never would have made it in SoCal. ; )
Aw, I’m sorry, Kerri. I sometimes dream about moving away from Illinois to somewhere…I don’t know…bigger? But I love it here, and I know it because I’ve always been here, and there is a comfort in that. I’m glad you have that too. Trees are nice.
And your hair looks great. :)
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Thanks! Sam. Trees ARE nice. And I never really thought palm trees qualified as “real trees.” Because, where is the shade? And the pine needles? ; )
It does indeed suck when your brain is already packing the boxes and then some real, actual person puts the smack down on your plans. I send you hugs of sympathy, but also the assurance that there will be another job and another adventure, if you want it. In the meantime, take deep breaths of that clean PNW air and enjoy your beautiful greenery.
And congrats on the cute haircut! Sometimes it feels good to make a change, and when you can’t change you zip code at the moment, you can at least take the scissors to your hair.
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,em>Yes! That’s totally what I was doing. I had the entire kitchen and bathroom already boxed. Imaginarily speaking, of course. But we knew this might happen, and they were re-organizing EVERYTHING at the firm, and ended up needing to fill a completely different position than the one they initially advertised. So, it’s lame, but completely understandable. And you’re right: there will be other adventures. And we are ready for them. Hopefully sooner than later. I’m running out of length to cut. ; )
I appreciate the hugs of sympathy. Muchas. Now if only someone would pass the chocolate fondue.
Sorry to hear LA won’t be working out. I thought it would be cool if you lived closer so that one day we could meet in person. But then I thought, if we’re ever going to meet, I’d rather come up north. So it all works out.
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Yes! See, exactly. Up North is the cool place to be. Um, literally. Unless we are talking about this month, as we have apparently moved to the surface of the sun.
hi there, nice to have found you. thanks for visiting my site!
sorry the ca thing didn’t work out for you. great things will come for you were you are at!
i’ll be checking back in on you.
cheers!
So even without the move? Your hair looks hot. And I hate you for having such perfect skin. All will be well. *hugs*
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Thank you! for the lovely comment, and the well-wishing. I maintain that I do not have anything close to perfect skin, but I blushed just the same. My aunt sells her own beauty line, so I am semi-spoiled.
Your hair looks adorable.
I love the little nose ring too. You’re so sassy!
Sorry the move thing didn’t work out, but really….you’re not a Cali girl. I mean, you’re like wayyy too good for them. For reals.
Keep your chin up.
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I was so! waiting for someone to say that. I love that it was you. : ) And you are so right. I’m really not a Cali girl. But it would have been interesting, no? I am so pasty white right now I would have scared the entire city. Awesome.
So sorry it didn’t work out…(if it’s any consolation, you look adorable!)
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Thank! you. I maintain that “adorable” is more “frazzled, and um, what did I just do to my hair?” but it’s growing on me. Heh. Puns.
Kerri, I’m so sorry the move didn’t work out. I think it’s beautiful that you were willing to share. As a blogger, I know how easy it is to only portray the good but that’s not real, honest life. And maybe all this happened to make you realize that you’re ready for and wanting a change. Which means that you can still take steps towards Cali. I think the gypsy in you is awakening :)
Kerri, I’m so sorry the move didn’t work out. I think it’s beautiful that you were willing to share. As a blogger, I know how easy it is to only portray the good but that’s not real, honest life. And maybe all this happened to make you realize that you’re ready for and wanting a change. Which means that you can still take steps towards Cali. I think the gypsy in you is awakening :)
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I think you’re absolutely right; Chris and I are more ready and willing than ever to gypsy our way around the country, and there is a sheer excitement, and a peace in that realization.
hey kerr, i know you’re disappointed… and i would lie if i said that i wasn’t. man, i was foreseeing all the good times we would have on the beach in santa monica. i could really need a friend down here. damn.
but you know, maybe we’ll meet half way in the middle as you know i am possibly going to work up in sacramento again. there always is a way… and you’re still welcome, and chris of course, too, to come down and visit and enjoy the beaches, if only for vacation ;)
hugs to you.
p.s. thanks dear nose-ring for always standing out for me :)
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I know! San. It would have been great to be so close. Maybe someday, and hopefully soon.
Chris and I could use a little sun-soaked vacation in the nearish future.The ring salutes you. Endlessly.
Thanks for visiting my site…I’ll be back!
Your hair looks super cute and full of sass!