When Good Resumes (And Interviews) Go Bad
At my office we are currently (feverishly) attempting to hire a part-timer who could transition into full-time, and it’s been a painful lesson in hilarity and frustration to play both recruiter and honorary co-interviewer for the position.
I don’t mean to suggest I don’t feel honored and excited about the opportunity to be waist-deep in the behind-the-scenes interview processes, because, I do. It’s just that spending a full four days wading through a talent pool that unfortunately for us represented the depth equivalent to a quickly evaporating mud-puddle, compounded with scheduling and holding interviews for an entire day, was rather ridiculously exhausting. At one point during the monotony my supervisor and I turned to one another and made the universal unspoken sign for “Please, shoot me in the face.” Or: “Kick me in the kneecaps, s’il vous plait.” I’m not quite sure which. Thinking back, it might have actually been the universal sign for: “Let’s skip the rest of the day, and go for margaritas on a shaded patio somewhere. Like Mexico.”
Exhibit A, or, How To Frighten An Application-Reviewer In Sixty Seconds Or Less:
1. Spend no doubt incalculable amounts of time polishing and re-polishing your cover letter and work history, only to then add your very non-polished, non-professional, very personal email addresses to the top of said cover letters and work histories. Email addresses, for example, like: “isntitironic78 @ blabla.com,” “thisheresandwhich @ blabla.com,” “boblikesbrunch @ blabla.com,” “thenextladyq @ blabla.com,” or “friskyfeline @ blabla.com.” *
2. Start your cover letter with phrases like: “I, Regina M. Balsazar, am applying for such and such a position.” Also, for fun, I like to speak of myself in the third person and order strangers to adore me.
3. Herald awesome amounts of experience for the advertised position via your cover letter, experience that soon becomes clear is entirely fabricated when standing next to your attached resume, with bullet-point listed work history, wherein it remains as clear as Jessica Simpon’s post-Proactiv skin that, really, you don’t have any tangible “experience” in the field for which you are applying. Which, hey, is awesome, really, because often times determination and drive can be adequate substitutes for actual dirt underneath your fingernails, so to speak, but don’t say you do if you don’t. Once you’re hired you can just learn what you need is the overall premise, and I totally get it. And it totally works. But before you can be hired you have to be smart enough to doctor your resume the same way you doctor your cover letter, so that your lies confidence in your abilities to adapt to any environment parallel and support one another. Ahem.
4. Print and mail your application on such dingy yellow paper that after handling it I immediately feel the overwhelming need to wash my hands
5. Actually type “I give me, to you.” **
Exhibit B, or, How To Bomb An Interview Efficiently And With Pizazz!
1. Completely forget! that you even sent you resume and cover letter to the office that is now calling you, via the number you left ON YOUR RESUME, when you faxed it to our office, saying you wanted to work HERE, as in at this office, that is now calling you, for an interview, and are we nuts? And then! THEN! after all of that nonsensical nonsense, arrive fifteen minutes LATE for your interview, looking like you just jumped off a bus, mid-stop, hair every which way but on your head, miscellaneous papers strewn all about your person. Oh! and for further good measure, mention the phrase “stuck in a class with a bunch of twenty-somethings” while discussing your latest education adventures, mere seconds before the clinic lead informs you that a “twenty-something” is going to be your “supervisor” in this particular position. Um, check please.
2. Speak so. very. slowly as to make both myself and my supervisor think that maybe you are actually high right now, because no one talks. that. very. slow. when they are asked specific quick-fire-esque questions, do they? (Affirmative, ghost rider. The bowl is full.)
3. Tell us mid-interview that you exhausted all of your sick time in just three months at your current job. Also: boast no tangible personality whatsoever. Oh, and scowl a lot, too. Good, good.
(We are starting round two of the interviews this week. I am praying to the great stapler in the sky that someone we talk to is sane. Or at least, can tell a good “guy walks into a bar” joke. At this point, we’ll take what we can get.)
* I wish I was entirely fabricating all of those email addresses. But, alas, I’m not that clever.
**Again with the not kidding. I nearly peed myself.
Holy crap… I’m guilty of all of that! No wonder why I was unemployed so much.
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I have a feeling your personal email addresses left on resumes would have been even more hilarious. I once used fapL14@xyz.com as my email address for an application. Because I, too, am awesome. I mean. Honestly. FapL14? What the?
I really did need a good laugh, and anyway, none of the misspellings, creepy phrasing or bizarre email addresses deterred us from interviewing in the end. We just happened to be further frightened (and a bit amused, too) after that.
Oh, lord! What are people thinking?
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I think they are thinking: “I am drunk.” Or something. ; )
oh man for a second there, when i had only read the titel, i thought… phew. glad i was wrong… :)
also, i’m amazed over and over again what people are thinking and why certain people wonder how they don’t have jobs. hello, reality-check anyone? resumes alone make me shake my head all the time here at the agency where people apply for “creative” jobs with a resume made in word and stuck together with a paper-clip (just one example of what we get to see here all the time). *shakeshead*
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I have bombed my fair share of interviews in the past to be certain, but no, thankfully! we weren’t talking about me. : ) Creative resumes sound fun! I want some of those.
Hahahahahahaha. I LOVE interviews! Did you nickname all of them? That’s what I like to do. :) Hope you find someone decent!
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I did not! think of nicknames. That is why you are awesome, Sam.
I had to screen candidates at my last job and lead group interviews. We had a woman who was a total Chatty Patty in the TMI sense, making me and my female colleagues a little uncomfortable. Later, she sent us all an email saying, “Thanks for the estrogen session!” And when we did not offer her the job, she filed an unemployment claim against our company, WHICH HAD NEVER EMPLOYED HER.
I love the psychos. They make me feel so sane.
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That’s an interesting technique: filing unemployment before you are ever hired. I suppose you have to give her points for sheer creativity and loophole seeking? (And I love that you used the phrase “Chatty Patty.” My family has always used “Chatty Kathy.”)
When we were hiring for my position at my old job, we used to dissect not only resumes but also the type of shoe the female applicants had. Because my boss seriously thought that ugly shoes were the devil. Shoes say a lot about a person, can’t say that I blame her.
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My sister always! looks at the shoes. I never think of it until the pair of feet are long gone. Which is somewhat odd, considering how many pairs of shoes are currently occupying my closet.
Oh man…I have to say I think it would be so very interesting to be part of this process. I’ve always thought I give a darn good interview, and granted, I’ve gotten a darn good amount of jobs…but I don’t know how you could keep a straight face through all that! What a riot!
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It is! SO interesting. To keep from laughing sometimes I literally have to pinch myself; it’s the only thing that works.
i have also been on your side of the interviewing desk many times, and actually, the email address thisheresandwich would have just made me crack up. much better than friskyfeline, or one i’ve seen, 2hoteddie, which is just creepy.
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2hoteddie is a bit stalker-scary, indeed.
I always, always forget to comment. So now I am commenting. Hello! You are hilarious! Okay, bye.
Wow. I am especially skeeved out by the dingy paper. I’ve come across some really unprofessional email addresses, like bingegirl85@blabla.com. I’m so not kidding.
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Seriously. Why not just use WHITE paper, people? Yellow is, well, yellow. And blue? Just weird. I’m still holding out for sparkle pink and scented, Legally Blonde style.
I recently applied for a job. Thank God I applied online and therefore on “white” screen background.
Also, I am going to have a job interview some time soon - thanks for the advice ;)
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I’m a big fan of online applications and online applying. Oh, and: I was mostly just making with The Funny more than offering “advice” per say, but good luck! on your interviews.
Ohmygosh!!! That was hilarious! I’m sorry for you and laughing at the same time.
Too funny. I also have been behind-the-scenes and I was always amazed by how difficult it was to find intelligent people out there. Aren’t certain things simple common sense?
How To Bomb An Interview Efficiently And With Pizazz!
4. When asked the question “What qualities do you look for in a manager and what is your preferred management style?”, tell me all about your previous supervisor and how he ‘essentially’ sexually harassed you. I’m sorry about that, truly, but I don’t want to hear about it while I’m interviewing you.
5. During your second casual interview, watch all the pretty girls walk by from one end of the restaurant to the other while your interviewer is talking to you. A+ buddy.
This is hilarious. My favorite line, which I may now steal, is “as clear as Jessica Simpon’s post-Proactiv skin.” Brilliant, just brilliant, all around.