How To Ruin A Perfectly Good Tuesday In One (Literal) Step:
Plant your right foot into the largest and freshest pile of dog shat (past tense, you see) available, and then proceed to not notice it’s your foot that is smelling rather rank, and assume it’s your pint-sized dog, who has been having The Gas lately.
Bonus points if the pile you step in is a. not from your pint-sized dog, and b. still steaming, but you can’t see it of course, because it’s as black as Nancy Grace’s soul night.
Still more bonus points if, rather than simply soiling your right foot, donned by one half of your favorite pair of shoes, you also manage to soil not only your right pant leg, but your LEFT foot, left favorite shoe, and left pant leg as well. Because you are that awesome. And also? There are NO LIGHTS ON whatsoever around you. But also? You and you alone were the intelligent soul who decided to take your puppy to relieve himself on grass well known for doubling as a Prized Doggy Wasteland, in the dark, with NO LIGHTS ON, at all.
Yes, indeed. Triple word score for that genius move.
I’m beginning to think there is a foul-smelling plague upon both my houses,* what with my seeming proclivity for shit stepping, as it were.
* I actually don’t have two houses. Or even one house. That was just the first time I could ever even think about (mis)quoting Romeo & Juliet on my site, and, well, opportunities to prove you were paying attention in Freshman English, they just don’t come around all that often. (Dear Mr. Corley: I still remember the way you corrected all of our papers with your “I Love Track” stamp, amen.)
I have nothing witty to say. Just…ewwwww.
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Amen.
That’s really shitty ;)
Also? We totally use the word shat around here :)
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Oh, puns! How I love thee. Shat is a splendid word, indeed. Unless you step in it, that is.
Thank goodness it was Romeo and Juliet and not Great Expectations. Dickens ruins everything.
Aww, I hate that! Even though Lola’s turds are the size of cheetos, I still pick them up because to step in poop is GROSS.
Eww!
(Also, I hate Nancy Grace SO MUCH.)
“as black as Nancy Grace’s soul”
Hee!
I am SO sorry.
I love the word “shat”, and the fact that you use it, too. I’ve stepped on cow shit once. I was six and wearing slippers. I cried.
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I don’t blame you. I thought about crying, because, um, favorite shoes. As it turned out, I was too grossed out to cry.
There is nothing like stepping in dog shit to totally make someones day. Ugh. When I lived in Madrid NO ONE cleaned up after their dog. I’d walk to school in the morning while keeping my eyes on the ground so I wouldn’t step in the poop of small Spanish dogs. Bleh.
Wow that’s disgusting.
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Seriously. And why is it that the smell of dog shit just lingers in your nose for DAYS after you step in it?
Holy shit! That’s crappy.
HA!
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The “HA!” part of your comment really makes it, for me. I’m always like that with my jokes, especially if they’re puns. I don’t even wait for anyone to laugh, because I’m already laughing. Love it.
i’ve been stepping in the proverbial “shit pile” for a while now. only, it’s my life of shit not a dog pile.
sounds like your day was the shit.
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You’re awesome.
That stinks. Pun intended:)
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I LOVE the poopy puns! Keep ‘em coming, keep ‘em coming.
So at least you realized it BEFORE you walked into your house, right?
“prized doggy wasteland”….hahaha we have one of those. i definitely feel your pain.
at least it didn’t squish in your toes. that would’ve totally sucked a butt.
i love the way you threw the Romeo and Juliet reference in. Can’t wait to see what you do with Macbeth.
Hilarious, kerriberri! How’re you? I miss you!
I have had some technical trouble but am back blogginging again!!
BG