Ain’t No Use In Callin’ Out My Name, Gal
There is something I’ve been mulling over for what feels like a lifetime, a thread of thought I’ve spun round and round the spools in my head almost daily in recent months in an attempt to create something of logical consequence I can wear whenever my mind comes swiftly twirling back to the original question: Should I change my name, or leave it the same?
I know for many people this isn’t an issue, at all. When they marry, when they unite their life with another’s for the rest of their earthly existence, they meld everything into one. One name. One bank account. One burial plot. It makes complete sense to me. I can appreciate it on every level, and for months before these past six, I assumed I would follow marital suit.
I don’t feel the need to defend my love for Chris here, as most of you know us well enough to know we aren’t bluffing. We love each other with everything we have, and will strive to always. I love Chris. I love his last name. But I love mine, too.
Ladish to me is more than merely my last name, but then I guess that can also be readily understood in the context of my father’s passing at such a young age. A young age for him (39) and an even younger age for me (12). My father was the only boy in a brood of six children, big and little brother to five beautiful sisters, and from the moment my childhood self realized no sons for my father meant the Ladish name died with my grandfather and my father, I swore I would never change mine. I understood it would change nothing, me not changing my name. At least, it would change nothing by way of my last name being passed down any further. My children, if ever I had any, would presumably still take their father’s name, which of course would not be Ladish. Yet, my resolve to keep my maiden moniker was real, was consistent.
Years down the road, it would become harder for me to explain, harder to fully rationalize beyond the loss of my father. I knew the desire was deeper than compensation for a deeply felt loss, but I couldn’t have explained it had anyone asked. Thankfully no one thinks to ask a fourteen, fifteen, sixteen year-old why they are considering not taking their (currently non-existent) husband’s last name.
Before I walked down a bear-grass laden aisle toward Chris last September we had engaged in the name-change conversation multiple times, and each conversation resulted in different outcomes with regard to my currently held opinions about my stance on the issue. (Chris was steadfastly wonderful throughout each conversation.)
After we moved to Portland at the end of October and I started a new job at the start of November I presented my newfound employer with my new name. My email address, my signatures, my employee file, all read “Jernigan.” My paychecks, though, remained “Ladish,” as payroll had to match current social security records, and with the addition of Iggy, the move itself, and the new job starting a mere five days after we arrived, I legitimately hadn’t had a day’s extra time to officially change my name.
As weeks turned into months I still hadn’t made it to our local Social Security office. Part of it was poor timing and busy schedules, yes, but a larger part of it was indecision. I wasn’t ready to bid Ladish adieu, and day-by-day I started to remember, as if a self-imposed patriarchal fog was lifting from my brain, that I didn’t have to. There were no rules, either way. There was only popular culture, and less popular culture.
During month three and four of living as both a Ladish and a Jernigan I started to make a list in my head of everyone I knew and didn’t know who had decided to change their names upon taking vows, and a list of those who had not. I started to wonder if it was a betrayal to not want to take my own husband’s last name. I started to wonder, too, why anyone does.
For about ten minutes I considered hyphenating, but thought our particular names, while lovely alone, paired side-by-side sound less alliterative and more, well, long.
Then of course there was the option of reinventing our last names–or my last name–altogether, but that sort of defeats the purpose in this case, and anyway I’m not a Hollywood actress attempting to rid my life of a moniker that doesn’t read well when credits roll.
Are you starting to get the visual of the back-and-forth see-sawing my brain does when faced with any sort of substantial decision to be made? Me, too. Suffice it to say, I’m thankful I don’t become motion sick easily.
So, what’s in a name? As it turns out, quite a bit.
And now here’s the part where I stop opining for a moment to include you in this, the constantly spooling thread of thought currently weaving itself in my head (if you don’t run screaming in the opposite direction first).
I want to know what’s in your name.
Now, I’m not attempting to put anyone on the spot; I’m not asking you to share intimate family history (unless you are so inclined), and I’m certainly not asking you to out your entire real name on The Internets if that is something you don’t feel comfortable doing. I don’t blame you if it’s not.
I do want to know, though, if you kept your “maiden” name when you married, if you are married, or if you are planning to, if you are engaged, and why or why not.
I would also love to hear the opinions of the unattached, because I know from experience that just because you don’t have a fiancé or a spouse doesn’t mean you haven’t thought about what you would do with your surname if you did.
Last but not least, and this is for you gentlemen in the audience, this isn’t a ladies-only discussion. At least, I don’t want it to be. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to know your thoughts on this particular topic. Your life partner taking your last name: Archaic tradition, or the biggest compliment someone can bestow? Or, neither?
Thank you for writing something so interesting so late at night so I had something to read during my insomnia. I know you did this just for me :)
This is actually something I think about all the time. My dad was adopted at age 11 after both his parents passed away. He kept his name (West) and of course gave his name to me. I am his only child, so I have always known that I will not change my name when I marry. But, I have so much love and respect for the name of the family that adopted him - so I always want to incorporate that as well.
Each time I’ve been in a semi serious relationship and the topic has come up, it has ALWAYS been met with a wrinkled nose or eye rolling. Which may have a lot to do with why I am still single.
So, I suppose if you’d let me, I’d have 4 or 5 hyphenated last names. Which would be problematic on my business cards.
I changed my name when I got married. The main reason for me was that I wanted to have the same last name as my kids. To be honest, though, I never liked the way my first name and maiden name sounded together so when I was younger and thinking about the nme change thing I always hoped I end up marrying someone with a last name I liked. Silly, but true.
I changed my last name. I got married fairly young, well before I had anything like a career, and it just seemed easier to me for my husband and me (and eventual kids) to have the same last name. Also–and this will seem silly and shallow–my maiden name starts with a letter towards the end of the alphabet, and my married name starts with a G.
Later I became friends with someone who, when she married, dropped her middle name, and added her husband’s name after her last name. So in effect, her maiden name became her middle name, so she legally uses both–Lynnette Smith Johnson–but generally only goes by Lynnette Johnson. Now I wish I’d done that, partly because the initials of my first-middle-married name spell something kinda stupid. :-)
I know many women who have kept their maiden names, mostly for financial reasons. I changed my last name but also turned my maiden name into my middle name which has been a long held tradition in my culture. At first it was weird because I’ve had my last name all my life and now I had to change this huge part of my identity. It took me about five months to actually switch everything over, but now, over two years into being the new me, I couldn’t go back.
New reader here! I got married five years ago at 21. My husband and I were both very religious at the time, and because of the closed-minded culture we lived in, he pressured me to change my mind even though I was hesitant. Since we’ve left that religion, he’s expressed his regret that he pressured me, and he’s even considered that we could both chance our names to a hybrid, which would have to be something like “Molsen” (which sounds an awful lot like an awful Canadian beer). I intend to change my name back to my maiden name, since the hybrid sucks. We’re talking about how we’ll name our future children. I’ve read about some couples who named the first with the last name of the mother, the second with the last name of the father.
I love the subversiveness of it all. I want to shake off the patriarchal assumptions about names.
oops… freudian slip… change my NAME, not mind.
What a great question! If Chris and I ever do get married I fully intend to take his name, mostly because I’d be “Erin Kelly” afterwards and I love how fabulously Irish it sounds. Even though I’m not even a tiny bit Irish (totally french and english). I think if he had a bizarre last night I would be much less inclined to make the switch. Besides I’m pretty happy with my current last name and unfortunately I know I’ll NEVER be able to get “ErinKelly@gmail.com” ha ha …
This is a decision I am struggling with as we prepare to get married in 8 months. I have been working as a lawyer for 5 years so it seems hard/silly to change my name at this point in my career. Also, I have a very Italian sounding first and middle name and coincidentally I am marrying an Italian, so honestly if I did change my name you would be very surpirsed to see a blond Jewish girl, if you saw my full name first (I think this is the opposite of Erin above!). We cannot hyphenate since both our last names are long and unruly.
But more than that I just don’t know - it doesn’t seem to be me. I am me as I am and I am okay with our kids having his name.
I legally changed my name to my husband’s, but surprisingly have been using my maiden name in many situations as of late. So, I get the best of both worlds. :)
I changed my name the first time I got married because my maiden name is so stereotypical Norwegian - with extra vowels and consonant pairings that don’t exist in Nature - it was mainly so I didn’t have to spend the rest of my days constantly spelling out my last name whenever I ordered a pizza.
When I got divorced, I kept my Ex’s last name for the same reason.
When I married Jason, I changed to his name because I didn’t want to have my Ex’s name anymore and I didn’t want to go back to my maiden name.
Changing your name is a pain in the butt, if you ask me. It’s been 6 months and I’m still freaking carrying copies of my marriage certificate around so I can cash checks that people make out to my old name, and I’m still sending copies to magazines and other bills that can’t get it together to change my name the first 45 times I asked them. Bah.
I have friends that have kept their name and friends who have changed and friends who have hyphenated, and every one of them is happy with their decision.
I always liked my maiden name, MacMaster. I was inspired by my cousin Hahn, whom upon marrying his wife (maiden Oro-Perez), they both changed their last names to Oro-Hahn. Of course, those were nice short names that made for easy hyphenating, not so much with my name. I made a push for MacLuerssen. I think it’s awesome! But alas, my husband Luerssen III had understandably no interest in changing his last name. So I decided to take his name, and while I was recording my name change, I also changed my middle name to be MacMaster (formerly Marie). At the time, I was a chef with my name on our menu. It was important to me to be able to change my name, but let my customers know that I was still the same person. So I was able to put MacMaster Luerssen on the menu and get that across. I like it. It’s not hyphenated, everybody in the world doesn’t know my middle/maiden name, but then I don’t feel everybody needs to know it. I use my middle initial more now than before I changed, because I like the significance of it. Of course, for you to keep just one middle name it would take away the Anne, which I don’t know if you’re willing to do. But perhaps you could just change your whole name, Kerrianne Ladish Jernigan. Although I just looked at your initials there and wished for a second that Chris’ last name started with F, so your initials could be KLF is gonna rock ya. THAT would be awesome!
I went with the compromise Janet Maiden Married (changed from Janet Middle Maiden). I switch back and forth between using all three or just Janet Married. But if I ever want to use Janet Maiden, I technically can because it’s still a part of my name! It works for me, at least.
I guess I just try not to think about it that much. I go with the, it’s just a name, it’s not a statement of who I am at the core of my being kind of thing. It just made it easier for me when I took all the symbolism out, honestly. You are still you no matter what your last name is! :)
I have my husband’s name and dropped my maiden altogether, I was married before and wanted rid of that name as well of my maiden though so ymmv.
I changed my name when I got married, mainly for the reason that I wanted to have ONE family name, and also because I like my new last name :)
My maiden name was very stereotypically German and - paired with my first name - very, very common! I personally know at least two other girls with ‘my’ first and maiden name, so I didn’t feel that I had to hold on to my name because it was unique or anything.
I still had a hard time giving it up and I considered keeping it as my middle name [as I used to have none]… but since you can’t legally turn your maiden name into a middle name in Germany and therefore it would have been on my CA ID, but NOT in my passport, I abandoned that idea altogether.
(Bob Dylan- love that song!)
I have pondered this question though I don’t actually expect to get married. Like you, I lost my Dad at a young age and keeping his last name is very important to me. My sis and her husband both changed their names to the hyphenated combo of our last name then his last name. For me, it’s not just about my Dad (75% of it) but also that very few last names would actually sound good with my first name which is very unusual (hence, why I don’t use it in the blog world).
It seems to get the most confusing when you bring kids in the mix. If you have a different last name than them it can get so messy I would imagine.
Maybe you can use your last name as a middle name for your kids? I’ve seen that done before. Or change it to another middle name for yourself?
First time reader — Sizzle had your post as a shared read.
I feel like quite the dissenter here but here goes. I have been happily cohabitating with soul mate for 13 years. (In the eyes of Canadian law we are married. I think we need new terminology.)
We (The Man and I) are feminists. There are many many traditions that harken back to the old days when women were sold into new families. And in so doing broke her ties with her family and became part of the new one. Efffectively, like signing over property, she was signed over. (Still is that way in some parts of the world.) So for that reason, even if we were to marry I’d keep my name.
I have a son, he took the man’s last name and has my last name as a middle name. Having different last name’s has never been an issue. (If that’s a consideration.)
My divorced friends all say that they wished they’d kept their names. *shrug*
My two cents. Food for thought.
I am single and in my 40s. At this point in my life, I probably would not change my name. I have spent too many years working at this point.
One of my married friends opted to keep her name for this reason as well. Her children have both her surname and her husband’s — not hyphenated by the way.
Great, great, great question.
I got married about five months ago and have, thus far, kept my maiden name. Part of the reasoning being I like the way my first and last name sound together — it’s sort of a near-rhyme sort of thing. People also have a tendency to call me by both my first and last name…
Aside from that, I have just never had any real desire to change my name. While I understand that people do it to unify families and prevent confusion when there are children, I just don’t know if it’s in me. I know when the conversation first came up, it bothered my husband as he is far more traditional than I am, but he now understands and supports my choice.
I have, however, considered adding his name, while keeping my middle and last names. While it is a long-ish string of names, I don’t want to drop the significance of any of them. I also see that as a concession for any children in the future.
It is a very confusing area. I admire anyone who takes them time to consider the options before just taking a husband’s name simply because it is tradition.
I kept my name, and here’s the path I took to that decision:
I assumed, until about the age of 23, that I would change my name. Keeping your name was for movie stars, but every woman I knew in my small, Midwestern town changed her name or expected to change her name.
When I realized one day that there’s no requirement — can do whatever I want — I thought I would hyphenate. It seemed like wild, decadent decision (again: SHELTERED YOUTH), like I had decided to do something dangerous, something that would meet resistance.
But when I got married at 31, there was no question: I would keep the name I’ve had since I was born. It’s partly professional — I didn’t want a new name that wouldn’t match the bylines I’ve racked up. But for me, it came down to this: I have always had this name, and the idea of changing it made me slightly uncomfortable. Further, I couldn’t think of a compelling reason to force myself past that discomfort.
I know that a name is just an assigned word. There’s no inherent quality that makes you Kerri Anne except for the fact that someone decided you would be called Kerri Anne and put that name on your first official document. But to me, a name isn’t *just* a name. My original name is how the world has always identified me and how I identify myself, and so it’s pretty deeply rooted in my psyche. My last name is nearly as tied to my self identity as is my first name, and the idea of changing my last name seems nearly as uncomfortable to me as the idea of changing my first name.
So what if my kids don’t have my last name? Maybe they’ll have it as a middle name, I don’t know yet. I’d like to incorporate my last name somehow. But regardless, I’ll know they’re my kids. They’ll know they’re my kids. My husband and I don’t feel like less of a married couple just because we have our original names, and I don’t expect that we’ll feel like less of a family once we have children.
In the interest of full disclosure, I admit that I also tend to like the idea of bucking conventions, and people can call that what they will. I don’t care. (See? HA.) But truly, the thought of changing my name just made me uncomfortable, like something that was being forced on me. And I’ve known myself long enough to know that I should listen when my subconscious is talking.
Make whatever decision you feel most comfortable with, and always remember: This is not a test of what kind of wife you are, nor is this a test of what kind of feminist you are. And anybody who suggests otherwise is just trying to sell you their own subjective notion of comfort rather than allow you to identify your own.
This line right here (from your wikipedia link) is a big reason why I’m keeping my name when I marry: “A family name or last name is a type of surname and part of a person’s name indicating the family to which the person belongs.” I feel very strongly that I belong to my family, and I don’t feel like I belong to the family that carries my boyfriend’s last name. They’re nice people, but as hard as I try, I’m just not part of them.
However, it’s much more complicated than that. I wrote about it a year ago: http://www.doahleigh.com/index.php/last-names-to-change-or-not-to-change/
It’s long, but I think it’s an interesting read while you’re thinking on this topic.
I have always been steadfast in not wanting to change my name. Not that I even have anyone to change it for but as of right now I am 99.9% sure that I won’t change my last name. Not because the name dies with me (I have three brothers) but because it’s MY name and no would be asking my husband to change his name so why would I change mine? Also, I work in politics and everyone knows me by my name so changing would be a pain in the ass. And finally, I had to go to the Social Security office once for a new SS card and after waiting in that god awful place for two hours and then going to the DMV days later for something else, I realized that I’d sooner walk in the middle of highway than go through that crap again. So my name is staying.
(Side note - I just realized that since the site re-design, your feed was not showing up in Reader. Thankfully Sizzle shared it :))
I used to be a Moran (as we have discussed before). I also was a Tipper for a while as I went by my step-dad’s name for grades 1-7. I wasn’t adopted, I think it was just easier for everyone.
I then spent the next ten years as a Moran and had no problems with my name. Plus, Irish people thought I was neat.
I always knew I would take my husband’s name, even before I knew who my husband would be. My personal reasons is that I am vowing to be One with my Honey. We are one family unit. I also think it is easier for my kids.
If people keep their maiden names, I think that is fine as well. I don’t judge. I do have a friend who kept hers, but her husband and kids all have her husband’s last name. It has caused her a bit of grief, including when they applied for passports :)
You do what feels right for you. I had a co-worker who used BOTH names, depending on the situation. For work, she used her maiden name and for personal life, she used her husband’s. In Canada, you can do that…so maybe that’s an option for you too?
xo
I love my maiden name (Mitchell) maybe it is because “Loralee” is so odd and Mitchell is quite normal, I don’t know.
When I married at 20, I changed it to Burnett. My feeling on that were “Eh”. I didn’t like it as much.
I divorced, remarried and was landed with “Choate”.
Last year I got a bank ATM card stamped with “Loralee GOAT”.
I miss my maiden name.
Also: I am loving this conversation right now.
I miss my maiden name too. Seguin. (pronounced: Suh -like duh –Gan like can) When I got married the first time I changed everything to Stone. When I remarried this time. I had thee same problems that you do.
I haven’t OFFICIALLY changed it yet, but I go by Kristine Stone-Baland.
I wasn’t going to change it at all because I wanted the exact same last name as my children as long as they are in school, but I felt it was disrespectful to Shaun…in fact there are some accounts that still just have my old last name and when they ask me what my last name is and I say, “Stone” I wonder if he’s cringing. I’m too afraid to ask.
Good question though. What I do to shorten the situation is I just put my first initial and then Stone-Baland. Not as long.
I took my husband’s name. I have never been very close with my father’s side of the family, and although I love my dad, I do, I love my husband more. I can’t believe I wrote that, actually, but it’s true. It wasn’t a hard choice for me and I do desperately want a child and I can’t really imagine not having the same name as him/her.
I’m single, but I’ve always thought I would only change my name if I liked my spouse’s surname better. If not, I wouldn’t change it.
It’s not something I give a great deal of weight. No one should feel beholden to change their name as proof of commitment/love–those reasons just hearken back to marriage of women for property imo.
This may be my first comment, though I’ve been reading for a few months.
I changed my name 2 days after our wedding; social security, DMV, passport, the whole deal. The husband and I talked about it a lot and he actually thought he should take my last name. I am more traditional and thought the idea of taking his name was really romantic, even if I wasn’t thrilled with the sound of the end result. It’s been a few years and I don’t regret that decision.
I think another driving force for me was the kids issue. I wanted one last name since I came from a household with 3 last names do to divorces and such. My feeling like I didn’t belong might have been a bit more exaggerated by the fact that I didn’t look like the rest of my family (I have all my dad’s colorings but lived with my mom, sister and step dad) and I desperately wanted to feel like I “fit in” with my own family. If something as simple (for me) as a name change gave my future kids that security then I for sure have no problem doing that for them. Truth be told, I think it’s more my security I wanted to achieve…
My last name is a nightmare. No one knows how to pronounce it and I’m forever spelling it out phonetically over the phone and answering blunt questions about my nationality. My husband has a nice, easy to spell, recognizable last name that was tempting, but no.
The idea of changing my name rubbed me the wrong way because…well because no matter how I look at it, it’s sexist. The expectation that women will be the ones to change their names is based solely on their gender, plain and simple. And…I dunno. That sticks in my craw. I don’t know how else to say it. I had no other motivation, no familial ties that I wanted to symbolically maintain like you do (which I think is touching and beautiful, Shug); it just struck me as straight up cool that I had a choice, a small symbolic choice, that my mother’s generation didn’t really have. Interestingly, as I’m writing this, I feel obliged to soften my language or my motivations, to find a way to say “It was feminism” without being so direct, for fear of offending someone’s sensibilities. So perhaps–hopefully–our daughters’ generation will get to have the luxury of glibly saying, “Oh, it was grrrl power that made me do it. I’m a feminist. Pass the turnips, would you?” without feeling like they have to engage in an uncomfortable, pre-emptively defensive and largely unnecessary apologetic tap dance.
All that to say, do what you want girl. Do what’s in your heart. If you want to only kind of change your name, like you have, awesome! If you want to take the plunge and change it, yay! Or make your maiden name your middle name! And you know, you can always change your mind later too. I know a few women who kept their names until they had kids and another few who had changed their names and then, 10-15 years after the fact, went back to their maiden names. If it makes it easier for you to decide, you can keep in mind that no decision has to be a permanent decision.
Excellent discussion, very interesting to read everyone’s whys.
My wife and I got married when I was 18 and she was 19. My maiden name was constantly mispronounced and misspelled the entire time I was growing up. My wife’s surname is very common and no one mispronounces or misspells it.
I also wanted to have a very public way to show how committed I was to her and our union together. So I took her name and it has worked out very well for me.
Being lesbians the children issue never came up to question.
My boss and his wife are Mr & Mrs Dick, when their son was born they hyphenated an old family name in before Dick so the emphasis would change and their son wouldn’t get beaten up. It worked well for them.
I read a very interesting article a few months [years?] ago about a man who changed his surname to his wife’s. Apparently he was Smith and she had a rather unusual surname so the logical choice was to go to hers.
I hope you’re able to come to a comfortable decision soon so you can let it go. I know I always feel better when I can finally put a question to bed.
Hello! Here via Sizzle’s shared feeds :o)
I was going to write a great long comment about how things changed for me with names when I got divorced and then my ex re-married and it sort of turned into a whole blog post which I linked back to you.
I was going to email you about it but couldn’t find an email addy, am I being blonde? Anyway, I hope you don’t mind the waffly comment and link :o)
Fantastic post!
(Unlike Sizzle, my mind went to the Peter, Paul & Mary version of the song, which I had to cue up on my iPod for old times’ sake.)
This is a very interesting discussion, I’m glad you’ve put it out here! I’m curious that many people don’t change their name because it is a symbol of old patriarchy, but don’t question that kids will have their father’s name.
Myself, I wasn’t too attached to my maiden name, though I love my family dearly and am close to them. I like my middle name better than my maiden, so I didn’t want to go the Erin Maiden Married route. Also, my maiden name was English, and I’ve only got a smidge of English blood. My married name on the other hand, is German, and I’m half German (as is my husband) so I enjoy that aspect of it. I can definitely understand people having stronger ties to their names than I do, though.
If I had gotten married later in my career, I would have kept my maiden. Established professional standing can make it hard to change. As it is, I have to put “Erin (Maiden) Married” on my CV, to track my earlier publications.
crap.. I totally don’t have time to read all the other comments right now. I will later, though.
I changed from Czernikowski to Johnson. BLEH. how… COMMON. I miss the Cze. Cz’ski *IS* me.
There was a while where troy and I actually considered combining our names so we could both officially be Cze-Johnson…. but shit got busy and we never did it. and now we have kids, and lord KNOWS they’ll be screwed up enough with our DNA… no need to add our name desires in the mix.
a few years down the road, and I’ve realized that my name has changed once again. now I’m mommy. I’m STILL carrie.. just like I’m STILL czernikowski. well. sort of.
I think at the end of the day (at least right here and now) the most important thing is that the people I love call me, period.
My hyphenated last name always prompts the question of “What are you going to do when you get married?” The answer? No clue. I would like to keep mine but then everyone will assume that the hyphenation is mine and my husband’s, when it’s really my parents. I can’t choose one name because it would feel like a betrayal to one side of the family. We could make a new name entirely but then the family history is lost. I’m glad I’m nowhere near marriage because I wouldn’t want to deal with this dilemma anytime soon - though if I had to forecast my move, I would probably keep my name and deal with explaining it all the time. It would be a nice way to honor my mom and dad and their decision (even though it is incredibly frustrating at times).
A therapist once told me it is very common for women to go through a marriage-crisis as we decide what to keep from our maiden-life whilst transitioning into our married one. What men need to understand is, it’s not easy for a woman to change her name (emotionally or paperwork-wise). I think you’ve conveyed this well.
My brothers will likely never have children, so like you, i felt i needed to keep my father’s name
At the same time I wanted to honor my new family (the hubs)
I decided to take the new name, considering it a gift I was giving to my spouse. I also kept my maiden name, so now on my SS card I have four names (first middle maiden married).
Now that I’m divorced, I have decided *not* to revert back to maiden, mostly because changing SS, drivers license, banking info, employment info, etc. is a major PIMA (be forewarned Kerri Anne), but partly because I have embraced the new name and the new me–thank God it no longer comes with a husband attached.
My last name is Witman. It’s my grandmother’s maiden name. She was an only child. My mom took Witman as her last name some years ago when she got divorced, i’m not sure why. I took it because it was LOADS better than my last name at the time (I can’t even share it, it’s that bad) and because I would have the same last name as my mom and my grandmother. When I got married we (my fiance and I) argued about it, because despite his being one of three boys, he didn’t want to change his last name, and his middle name was his mother’s maiden name and he didn’t want to change that either. So he added my last name as a second middle name (I know, f’ed up isn’t it?) and I added his last name as a second last name. No hyphen, just two last names. Now that we’re divorced it doesn’t really matter, I have my last name again, but when I go, the name goes with me. i’m the last one. It makes me sad. But i’m glad my mom and I could keep it alive for two more generations.
How’s that for complicated? don’t even ask about the wedding ring story.
I never thought I would change my name when I got married. In fact, I never thought I would even get married. J didn’t mind one way or the other, but I decided to change my name to feel more like a member of his family. That was really important to me. I think the biggest issue I had with the whole thing was giving up the name my stepfather gave me when he adopted me almost 30 years ago. But my dad adores J and is proud for me to have J’s last name.
I waited a year to change my name (finally spurred by a new employer). I wish I hadn’t. It feels antiquated to me. I was a person before I got married, ya know? My husband claims he didn’t care one way or the other, but when I finally changed it, I could tell it was important to him. I hate HATE HATE when I see women SO excited to change their names. They are just so happy to be taken, it seems so ridiculous to me. When I changed it, it did make me feel more like a part of a married couple, but that could have come with time. It’s also a GIANT pain in the ass.
Oh, and actually, I kept both last names- Slynnro Middle Maiden Husband. Legally, I have two last names, but practically speaking, I only use his except on legal documents and in email signatures and whatnot.
Very interesting, Kerrianne! I wrote a post last year for BlogHer on the subject of changing my last name (or not), and included some other ladies’ opinions.
http://www.zandria.us/archives/main/2007/01/31/last-name-keep-it-or-change-itlast-name-keep-it-or-change-it/
Whoops! The link got messed up:
http://www.zandria.us/archives/main/2007/01/31/last-name-keep-it-or-change-it/
I’m getting married this November and I’m actually pretty excited to change my name to his. I have a very common first and last name and I’ve met several people with the same name as me. It will be nice to be a bit more unique; his last name isn’t a common one.
Also, I feel that when we get married, we become a family and our family should have the same name. I’m still me, no matter what name is on my driver’s license.
I am literally ITCHING to take Kyle’s last name. In fact, I’ve already signed up for Courtney.Helland at gmail.com (lest someone else snatch it up!!)
But I’m blessed that my family is such that my dad had two boys and two girls… so theoretically, it should all balance out… and one of my brothers is already married, and they have an adorable son, so I know for sure that my dad’s name lives on at least through him. I won’t lie, it’s a good feeling. Now, Kyle’s dad was one of 6 kids, and he was the only boy… his wife (Kyle’s mom) didn’t change her last name, but they DID have two boys who got the Helland surname. Last time I was in Michigan, Kyle’s dad casually asked if I’d be taking Kyle’s (and therefore his) last name. I responded, “Of course!”… his eyes filled with tears and he gave the biggest hug ever and just said, “thank you thank you thank you” over and over. It was really sweet.
So there you have it. I’m taking Kyle’s last name. Sort of a no brainer for me and my situation.
Am curious to know what you decide! (Ladish could always be the middle name of your kids… just a thought)
I took my husband’s name. I think if I had grown up with an amazing surname, I might have reconsidered, but I liked his name better and it was less of a mouthful. I have a brother that will carry ours on in the family and my sister has used it as a middle name with one of her sons. And like other people said- my name will always be a part of me.
the first time i was married, i was fully planning on taking my husband’s name and he was so touched that he gave me this book on how women have lost their identity’s through their names throughout history. it swayed me and i ended up never changing my name which i suppose made life easier in that regard when we divorced.
when my second husband asked me to marry him while we sat in the funeral home, holding the urn of our dead son, i knew that i would change my name without a doubt because of all the hassle that we went through over the death certificate and our sons’ last names as they died too soon to have an official record of their father’s name and because we weren’t married, they instantly had my name. sigh. it bothered me on a weird level that i can’t possibly explain but i wanted them to have their father’s name.
the thing is our laws here in Alberta are a little easy peasy on the whole name change thing. so you can assume your husband’s name but you can also sort of keep your old name because it remains your legal official name. so at work and for payroll and taxes and even my passport, i have my husband’s name and can do so as long as i have a marriage certificate. but. i can also use my maidon name which i do on my website ‘kreutzer’ and as an alias on my bank accounts and for any writing or photography that i get paid for. i kind of get the best of both worlds i think and can pretend i am two different people, hah! : )
to me its just a name and yet so much more than just a name.
i have to say i’m actually excited about changing my name, too. and not because i don’t like my maiden name. i really do. it reminds me of my dad and our family the way it used to be. also, C’s last name is not exactly the greatest (but fine).
no, i’m excited about having the same last name as him, becoming part of his family and becoming our own little family. to show everyone out there that we belong together. getting married to me is a huge deal and starting a new chapter of my life which to me is connected to changing my name to his.
it doesn’t necessarily have to be “his” name though, to me it’s just important that we both have the same name. and since my C is old-fashioned that way and wouldn’t be comfortable taking on my name, it’s clear to me that i’m taking his name.
hyphenating has never been an option for me. i think it just gets too long (also, my first name officially is kim-julia = already hyphenated) and then what do the kids do? the most important thing for me is that we have a family-name. just like my maiden name was our family’s name. now that family is not here any more and it’s time for new families (with new names).
but i also know that my brother will keep his name and give it to his children and that probably helps when it comes to saying goodbye to my name…
I hope it is not too late to comment,
No plans to marry anytime soon but I have thought about this name changing a lot. I know I will not change my name if and when I get married. The life I have led for the last three decades, the education certificates, my writing credits, my bank accounts, my identity cards, my citizenship card, my passport, my so many things…all come with the first and last names that I was given as a child…I do not think I want to change all that. The challenge I feel is to continue being who you are , while still being part of someone else’s life and lives together…! I am up for it< i hope the man I marry won’t have issues about it!
I am a well-established professional, so I am not itching to change my name for that reason. There’s quite a traceable record of my work that I don’t want to get lost in the shuffle. But more importantly, I’m a staunch feminist and a total non-conformist. As Jeci said in an earlier comment, the name change thing is still all on the woman because she is the woman. It simply isn’t asked of men. Men are expected to keep their names.
That being said, marriage is the formation of a new family that never existed before. I prefer this view of it to the patriarchal view of the woman joining the man’s family. I do like the idea of a new family unit having a shared name. But it’s a new family unit, so the idea of that new unit’s shared name being the hold-over name of only one of the two partners just doesn’t work for me. I would consider changing my name if my husband would also change his name. If we were both to pick out a new name to reflect the fact that we’ve started our own family. If he says the name change question is only for me, then there will be no change.
Ohhh, I love this post. I took my husband’s last name when we married. Let me explain how excrutiatingly hard this was for me (on so many levels). For starters, his last name is plain ugly. Dornblaser (pronounced Dorn-blazer). My maiden name is Sloan. Nice, simple Sloan. Easy to spell, easy to pronounce and pretty! (in my opinion). Our last name is usually too long to personalize anything. I hate that.
Second, I’ve been an athlete my whole life. I was a collegiate athlete, too. Thus, as it often goes in the world of sports, you go by your last name. My friends call me Sloan, not Katie.
So why did I decide to change it? I wanted to take his last name to unify us as Mr. and Mrs. Dornblaser. Also, thinking farther down the road, I thought it would be confusing for our children to have their father’s last name and for me to have my own. Would teachers know that Mrs. Sloan was “Child” Dornblaser’s mother?
So I ended up dropping my middle name to take my last name as my middle name. I went from Katie Lyn Sloan to Katie Sloan Dornblaser.
I still miss it. I still sometimes wonder how hard it would be to change it all back. Argh.
The funny part is that the night I met my husband and he told me his last name, I thought to myself, “Wow, that would be a hard last name to take!” And oh, boy was it.
I’m engaged, and I’m happy to take my fiance’s last name once we get married. My last name is difficult to spell, harder to pronounce, and his is lovely and sounds nice with my first name.
HOWEVER. When we discussed the name change issue, turns out my fiance feels very strongly that I should change my name. Which I have no problem with doing. I do have a problem with him feeling so strongly about it, though.
Popped in via Five Star Friday and have opinions, so I figured I’d comment.
I married at a very young age and took my husband’s name. I divorced after seven years and retook my maiden name. When I started using my maiden name again, it felt like coming home. It felt right. I felt like I was myself again, and I had just been pretending to be another person for all those years. Now, if I marry again, I’m certain I won’t take my partner’s name. As for naming children, that’s something that will be more complicated. I know of people who share the last names: boys have the father’s name, girls have the mother’s. I also think the whole making a new name thing is appropriate for kids.
I took my last name and his last name, and just slapped them together with a hyphen. If we ever have kids, they’re going to have that same last name. Or, you know, just call them Banana-Hammock. Depends on how drugged I am. ;)
obviously i’m super late to the party here, but i feel compelled to comment because i think this is a really important question for women. i am unabashedly biased - i think women should keep their names. i just got married two weeks ago, and there was never a doubt in my mind that i would keep my name. MY name - it’s mine, you know? the whole “your husband’s or your father’s name” is a red herring, imho - the minute it goes on your birth certificate, it’s YOURS. and that so many women are still encouraged to sacrifice that self-identifier that they’ve had and owned and inhabited for decades for the sake of “family unity” makes me really, really sad. so many comments about about being excited to take on a new family name, and almost no questioning of why it’s invariably the woman who’s asked to sacrifice in order to make that happen.
just because something is traditional certainly doesn’t make it fair or right, and i think if women feel connected to their names, they should keep ‘em. end of story. the sky will not fall, society will not crumble, and people will figure it out :)